What a week....

Friday:  Me and James are both sick
Sat-Sun:  same stuff, think we are getting a bit better, still feeling like crap
Monday:  we decided to stay home since Daddy flew out early that morning and we were still feeling a bit poopy.
Tuesday:  felt ok, James went to school and I went to work.
Wednesday: woke up with a vomiting and excruiating migraine (I've been lucky and hadn't had one in a while, this took me by surprise).  James thankfully is in a good mood and feeling ok so I took the pain killers the doc gave me for the migraine.  Tried to go to work during lunch, dropped James off at school, but was so drugged up at work I felt sick to my stomach so I went home two hours later.  Went to sleep that night with a throbbing head...
Thursday:  Thank GOD, we both felt pretty good and James went to school and I went to work.  We are both still congested from our cold last weekend but nothing that would keep us away.
Friday:  James wakes up at 0330 screaming (not like him) because he can't breathe he's so congested.  I spend about 2-3 hours lying in the bathroom with the hot shower on to get some steam to heal his congestion.  This is the only time he has slept and wakes up crying whenever I try to move out of the bathroom.  Called in at work saying i'm going to be late, I was super tired.. he ate some brekky and finally went back to sleep for an hour.  I get ready for work, thinking he'll be good... he woke up crying and i gave him some oatmeal and fruit, and he didn't want to finish eating and the screaming fits start up again and i check his temperature and its over 100 degrees!  Gave the poor boy some Tylenol, sang and rocked him to sleep, and now... finally... he is getting good rest.  But had to call work and tell them I wasn't coming in today.

And to top it off?  I'm home alone... Jacob is gone for 2 weeks.  I'm feeling so down in the dumps... its been a really rough week and i've exhausted all of my sick leave, haven't really gotten a single thing at work done this week, i'm so worried that my performance is dropping since I've gone back to work.  I love working, its made me much happier since I started back... but I didn't realize how much of a toll James would take on my time and me working full time.  If its not his doctors appointments or his physical therapy or his babysitter bailing on me on moments notice or him getting sick and needing to stay home, or getting his shots updated... i've got medical issues that I need taken care of too, and errands like spending my morning at the DMV to get my car registered and getting passport for James, my parents are divorcing and my family is falling apart so that is on the back of my mind most of the time.... i'm just worn out.  I have been struggling with my medication doseages after the pregnancy, trying to get my ADD and post partum depression under control.  PPD has improved greatly since going back to work, but with all this going on with my family back in SC it's taken a toll on me.  Some days when I take the ADD meds I am really good and calm and really productive at work, and others when I dont take it because I want to eat that day or I forget to take it, I'm overly hyperactive and never get anything done and I'm so afraid my boss and coworkers notice.  I'm late to work nearly EVERY day because its so hard getting everything together in the mornings, by the time I get myself ready, walk the dogs, feed James, get him ready, get him to the car, drive 20 min to work, take him into school... its freaking 8:30-9:00... when I should have been to work at 7:30!!  I come to work hungry, with wrinkled clothes on, unwashed hair and no makeup... usually eat snack cakes and have a coke for breakfast how healthy and professional is that!?  I usually skip lunch since I came in late, then pick up James and by the time we get through traffic on the way home, its 5:30-6:00, i'm tired, I feed and bathe him, spend a few waking moments with him, and I crash.  Jacob fixes dinner that I'm usually too tired to eat, I never get a chance to work out and exercise because i'm too rushed in the morning and too exhausted in the evenings... this isn't how i pictured it!!!

UGH, i just needed a vent.  I'm worn out and so exhuasted over working full time and parenting full time... I just want to be able to balance them both.  I feel I'm doing a good job with James, but I feel my work is slacking tremendously, and it sucks because I want nothing more than to be there and giving 100% everyday because I enjoy it, but it seems like whenever I go to bed the night before with a plan on making tomorrow work smoothly, it never does.

I was going to take my computer home and work this weekend, but I think I'm going to relax and get myself together and recover from this GODAWFUL week.  Maybe schedule an appointment with my therapist to talk about balance in everything... I want to be 100% wife, 100% mommy, 100% employee (gah, I haven't even had time for friends lately, i'd like to dedicate a percentage to that too)... I'm not sure how I can sanely go about doing it all and doing it all well and being happy.

Poo.... i just needed to vent.  i'm sleep deprived and stressed.  James just woke up so I need to tend to him.  I'm glad I was able to blog for a little bit and get some stuff off my chest!!